


The Fear of Courage

by Alienne



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, Pining, Possibly OOC just a little, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 11:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alienne/pseuds/Alienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy wants, but his eyes tell him he cannot have. Spock is running out of reasons why not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. McCoy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there :) I wrote this a few years ago, with the intention to continue it some day. Well, I stopped believing in that ever happening right about now, and surprisingly, I still liked it, so I am posting it as it is. Consider it complete.
> 
> I want to thank my beta, hdluff4eva, very, very much. You are an angel! (She did just the first chapter, and all the remaining mistakes are all mine. Feel free to point them out.)

Friendship with Jim had always been easy. Uncomplicated. So why the hell can't this other one be as well?!

McCoy understood that it was mostly his fault. His fault, for being nagging, emotional and stubborn. His fault, for being easily angered, temperamental, even. His childishness that moved him to antagonize the Vulcan, again and again, like a little boy pulling the pigtails of a girl he liked. His fault for _feeling_. Oh, he knew that Spock had emotions, despite the man's claims to contrary. God knows he observed him for long enough to be sure of at least that. And after all this observing, all this time, he couldn't deny something so plainly visible anymore, not even to himself. Not for lack of trying, though, he chuckled bitterly to himself.

Spock had a person he liked. The person he cherished, he trusted, he enjoyed the company of, he worked in synch with. And... that person wasn't Leonard. And he so wanted to be.

This last mission they just returned from brought it all home to him. Yes, Spock was worried about him, as a coworker, maybe even friend, yes. But with Jim, it was more than that. McCoy could see it. See the easy way Spock reacted to Jim's closeness, relaxing a little even in such dangerous circumstances. He could see how they interacted, wordlessly cooperated. They didn't even have to look at each other, Jim simply talked, and moved a fraction to the right, and the second the alien's back was to Spock, he was falling down, nerve-pinched. Their way free.

McCoy knew better than to say anything, at least out loud, and yes, Spock and the Captain had been together on many missions before, but still. _He_ had never had such a raport with the cold Vulcan. _He_ had never...

Well, it didn't matter. They were both his friends. Leonard was going to be happy for them. He _is_ happy for them. Now, he will give them all clear bill of health, exchange few jokes with Jim, say something provocative to Spock, check his staff, make sure everybody is ok, go to his rooms, lock the door, open that long saved bottle of original 20 th century whiskey and proceed to get thoroughly pissed. And then he will sleep, and when he wakes up, he will be once again Jim's best friend and Spock's... well, something like a friend. He will laugh, and argue, and forget, and heal, and never again think about those feelings. Because they are obviously unrequited. And thus useless. And really, really stupid. He'd never decided to have them, and thank God for that, because he would have to treat himself for a mental imbalance for making such a decision.

And anyway, what was he waiting for? Jim just left, Spock close on his heels after a few parting shots that McCoy somehow missed and trying, if Leonard could hear well, to persuade the Captain to forbid McCoy from _ever_ joining landing parties ever again, forever and ever, as it was illogical, unecessary risk etc. etc. They'd fought about that many times before. And tomorrow, maybe McCoy would be willing to pick up that fight again. But right now, it was the last blow. The last push that opened the floodgates, metaphorically now and literally, of alcohol, in a few minutes.

He waved tiredly to his staff, promised death to the first intruder before the 16 hours of his time off were over (and he didn't have delusions that nobody would intrude, that's why he planned to get drunk _quickly_ ) and left.


	2. Spock

Some days Spock felt over 160 years old. It seemed more and more often these days, and it tended to happen usually just after his Captain and friend pulled off another death-defying stunt that ended up saving their lives. Though this time was a way too close a call. 

He didn't agree with the Doctor coming with them, before the planet was searched through and deemed safe, but he didn't have any logical – or illogical – arguments that would sway the Captain, and that weren't repeated in the past, so he stayed quiet. In the end, mission was 78% succesfull. They survived, discovered the fate of the missing scientists, found two new races and while Gem suffered an unfortunate end, her race would be saved. Spock should have been satisfied.

Only, he wasn't. The Doctor... they all came too close to death. Spock realized he was shaking. Interesting. Probably a delayed physiological reaction to the adrenaline. Still, this was the frst time such a reaction had occurred. He would have to meditate an aditional standard hour at least to calm himself.

They worked together perfectly, he and Jim and Doctor McCoy. The way Doctor used his charm to make Gem heal the Captain was almost artfull. And Spock's own technical abilities allowed them to escape their imprisonment. And Captain's usual bravery saved them all. He would have to make a note of that in his report.

His concentration broke. And he was still shaking. Meditation... didn't seem to help tonight. Maybe a game of chess. Or perhaps he could continue with some of his research. Restlessly, though he would deny it had anybody asked, he left his cabin. He was never surprised, merely intrigued, and so he was intrigued when his legs seemed to take the direct route to the infirmary.

His mind replayed the events of the last day once again. Vulcans never panicked, that's why he was calm and collected when he woke up in their cell and discovered that the Doctor was missing. Jim was still lying drugged next to him, and Gem was just sitting there, looking at him like a child. He wasn't worried. He wasn't scared to death. He didn't panic. He simply continued the work necessary to get them back to the ship. By the time the Captain woke up, he was almost done. He reported their situation and watched the Captain rave and pace around for a while, then they departed to find Doctor McCoy. When he saw him hanging up there, his heart didn't clench, he didn't bite his tongue and didn't feel blood in his mouth. He simply helped the Captain to put McCoy down and scanned him. And then again. That sudden pain and the need to touch the man was only sympathy, and really, _he didn't feel_.

Nurse Chapel told him that the Doctor already left for his quarters. Spock's body seemed to take that as an order.

He had accepted the... attraction he felt to the Doctor months ago. He didn't know if the good Doctor was aware of it, but if he was, he didn't act, which left Spock unclear about his next course of action. He... was uncertain, so he had meditated. He had very little experience with human courting rituals, and it was without exception with the females. He didn't know how to go about approaching a human male, was unsure if he should even try, and he was unwilling to do anything that would humiliate him in the eyes of the said human male... So he did nothing. No factor of that situation has changed. So why was he going to the Doctor's rooms? There wasn't anything he needed to say to McCoy, and this whole behaviour was unworthy of his upbringing. He should leave.

But his hand had already pushed the doorbell. And again. And when still no answer came, again. And then the door, impersonating the man it belonged to, opened with an angry and passionate swisssh.  


	3. McCoy

Bloody fuck! What was _he_ doing here? One fucking person on the whole ship he had absolutely no fucking wish to see right now and he was standing on his doorstep. Great. Just fucking great. Fate obviously hated him. McCoy wallowed in his misery for a short while, then he looked up. Spock was still standing there, silent and seemingly content with doing nothing. What did he want here? McCoy scowled, and repeated the question out loud.

Spock seemed to hesitate – what could this _be_ about, that it had Spock hesitating on his doorstep? - then adressed a reply to the air above Leonard's right shoulder:

„I would like to come inside, if you have some time, Doctor.“

Bloody greenblooded double-meaning Vulcans. And fuck his own dirty mind. Leonard suddenly felt like banging his head on the nearest wall. He was drunk enough to try it. Not surprisingly, it didn't help.

Spock's eyebrow flew up.

„Are you all right, Doctor?“

„No. Come in.“ It was the alcohol. Definitely. There was no other explanation for why he didn't send Spock to hell in some very rude but very satisfying way, but instead was asking him to enter. Leonard was drunk just enough to know he was drunk, and that all that whiskey didn't bode well for his already weak self-control. Well, it was too late now.

He went back to his depresivelly empty bed and his satisfyingly full glass and he made himself comfortable. Then he turned back to Spock, who followed him silently.

„Well?“

A strange expression crossed the Vulcan's face. Then he stood straighter and clenched his hands behind his back.

„I would like to discuss today's mission with you, Doctor.“

And McCoy really, really didn't want to.

„No way in hell. Now, if that is all, you know where the door--“

„I would also like to discuss my attraction to your person.“

It was unusual for Spock to interrupt someone. He usually listened patiently until-- Fuck. What?!

„Your attraction – to me?! There is an attraction? From yourself? To me?!“

Spock straightened a little more.

„I am fully in control of the physiological response of my body to your close proximity. However, I seem unable to stop the more... psychological reactions. I would like to ask for your help.“

„I... Spock? What? Uh... Why? Huh? Reaction?“ McCoy sputtered. Spock had a physical reaction when close to him? ...Wait.

„Can you be more specific? What kind of reaction?“


	4. Spock

This was most disconcerning. First his body seemed to act on it's own, now his mind affected to do the same. McCoy's question was still hanging in the air between them, when he finally managed to control them both. Unfortunatelly, it was already too late. He would have to try to save what was possible. He turned on his heels.

„I apologize, Doctor. I seem to be exhausted, so it would be best for me to return to my cabin.“

„Wait a moment! You can't just say something like that and then simply leave!“ McCoy was unusually mobile for a half-drunk person, as he jumped up and caught Spock's arm before he managed to leave the room. The air, before cold on Spock's skin, seemed to suddenly warm up a few degrees. He could also smell alcohol... and McCoy. It was uncomfortable, and still it didn't make him want to pull away.

However, touching, even through the clothes, was dangerous. He turned his face away. McCoy growled and hand on his arm suddenly tightened. Then the other hand was touching his face, turning it back to the Doctor, and he could feel... sadnessfearhopeexcitement...haze... and then some other lips were touching his, and he was too shocked to do anything about it. But the lips didn't give up, and the kiss turned more forcefull, and Spock unvoluntarily opened his mouth a little. He remotely felt his back being slammed against the wall, and a tongue in his mouth – a tongue that didn't belong to him – and it felt so good...

Maybe they could talk a little while later.


End file.
